Good Men Project:
Not Tonight, Dear: Mismatched Libidos
Truth to tell, it would be extremely rare, if not impossible, to find two people with perfectly matched libidos. If that was possible, it would definitely be impossible for them to match every single time, despite the fact that it feels that way for most couples at the beginning of their relationship. They don’t live together, have spans of time between “dates”, and if they are sexually intimate, both are generally mutually interested in participating fully in that endeavor most of the times when they’re able to be together.
And thus our expectations are set for all that is to come in the future. Since that early passion will inevitably change in most relationships over time, it’s vitally important to understand what that’s about-and what it’s not.
As a certified sexuality therapist, I see many couples for whom “mismatched” libidos are the reason they come to counseling. Despite what most think, it is not always the woman whose libido causes her to desire sexual intimacy less often than her male partner in heterosexual relationships. Often it’s the man’s drive which is lower in frequency. I believe this misconception arises out of popular, but toxic mythology, i.e. “guys only want one thing” and “women use sex to control”. Never say never, but usually, neither is the case. These myths do untold damage to people and relationships, and yet they endure. It’s ironic but disproving of the myths, that when I see same gender couples, their libidos don’t identically match either!
When a couple has different libidos (which includes just about every couple I see), I often hear them describing each other in negative ways-“he is a sex maniac” or “she is cold (seems to be taking the place of ‘frigid’)”. This labeling makes an already challenging situation worse. A big part of the problem is that the person who is more frequently interested in being sexual almost always feels rejected by their partner. They take it personally and begin to wonder if, or even believe that they are no longer desirable. Most often this isn’t the case. It’s hard to look outside oneself enough to think that the less frequently interested partner is only taking care of themselves by deciding if they are interested in being sexual or not. Due to this perception, anger is likely to occur. As for the one declining the invitation, they usually feel a great deal of pressure and guilt, which can turn into anger and resentment if not addressed. Oftentimes, when this precedent is set and the couple does not discuss and find ways for resolution, the pattern continues indefinitely, sometimes over the entire span of the relationship.
When one is being sexually intimate despite not wanting to be, that person may be engaging in obligatory sex. It is rare to find people who actually want their partner to be with them out of obligation, so it can be a lose/lose. That doesn’t mean that it might not be fine to offer one’s partner sexual pleasure even if they are not interested in sexual pleasure for themselves. Wanting to give something to your partner is a part of what goes on in the give and take of a relationship. That’s different from obligation or a “have to”. Think back rubs. And while you’re thinking about them, realize you get to say no if you choose and to quit when you’re tired without guilt, and hopefully without your partner feeling rejected. Although more emotionally complex, the same rules apply for sexual giving. Problems can arise from this when the desirous partner is unable or unwilling to accept this as the gift it is meant to be and thinks of it as not being fair to the other unless it’s mutual. Ironically, it often evolves into mutuality, as the less interested person may become sexually aroused by their partner’s passion. The more rules couples make about what someone else “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing, the worse it becomes. It’s both the right and job of each person to determine how best to take care of themselves-in and out of bed!
If there is something going on in the relationship which is pushing one or both people apart, this will almost always manifest in a waning interest in being sexually intimate. That does not mean that is necessarily the case, however, and I encourage people not to jump to any conclusions but to have an honest and open dialogue with their partner to determine if there are unresolved problems which are getting in the way. If it’s needed, enlist the help of a therapist in this process. Once you get the “all clear” on the relationship front, go with being mismatched as the reason.
How do you close the gap? First, recognize that you’ve probably already got a scenario where neither person is a happy camper. Look beyond what’s not working for you and find out what your partner’s experience is like. The saying “foreplay begins when you get up in the morning” applies here. Be interested and curious about what’s going on with each other as you work toward finding solutions.
Neil Cannon, Ph.D., a Certified Sex Therapist, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Professor of Couples Counseling in Denver, Colorado described a wedding cake model for sexual intimacy in a recent web seminar. Going from the bottom layer up, it goes like this: connection; cuddles and kisses; foreplay and intercourse. According to Dr. Cannon, some couples’ cakes are upside down-in other words, the start with intercourse as the foundation instead of the top, last layer. Take a look at what your wedding cake looks like (even if you’re not married!) and begin a conversation with your partner about what you both would like to do to change it if necessary.
Some excellent suggestions for having more sex are to be found in an article by Greta Christina/The Blowfish Blog. She advocates scheduling sex. This usually provokes grumbling and statements about spontaneity, so I remind you that when you first started out and weren’t cohabiting, you scheduled dates, and since at some point you were being sexually intimate you were, in fact, scheduling sex! Why should that have to be different just because you live together and/or see more of each other over a longer period of time? And if you have kids, you’ll recognize truth in the statement that just about everything has to be scheduled. Christina recommends thinking of scheduling as planning and being partners together-much like if you were planning a vacation. This can put a very different spin on it.
She also recommends redefining sex in a mutually agreeable fashion. This opens the door to all possible combinations of who gives and gets pleasure and in what manner, whether touching is or isn’t involved by both, visual stimulation, talking, reading, watching videos, phone sex, etc.
Even if no one or only one has an orgasm, there is a romantic and erotic connection (bottom tier of the cake) going on; looking at when one thinks about sex, wants to have sex and work around those preferences. Sex does not work for everyone at night once the couple is in bed, though it may work for one, but not the other. Talk about it. Figure it out. If your libidos are really far apart, think about whether it would be better to have less than what’s perfect for both, or to have neither partner at all satisfied with the sexual relationship. Dr. Cannon states that it’s not always toe curling and is better some times than others. Since that’s true for most things, why should sexual intimacy be any different?
Good Men Project:
Kicking the Tires: How to Find a Healthy Intimate Partnership
A wonderful quote from a (sadly) little known movie starring Cate Blanchett, Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton entitled “Bandits” goes like this. Bruce and Billy Bob’s characters are literally fighting over who “gets” to keep Cate’s character, who walks up to them and asks, “Are you boys sure you don’t want to kick my tires first?” Now, I’m no expert on this, but I think that’s one way guys used to check out a car—by kicking the tires. Since we can’t do that with a person, how do we determine if they’re really what and whom we’re looking for? Choosing a partner is very complex and requires a balanced blend of emotion, understanding and thought!
Let’s look at the example of important decision making when buying a house. We look carefully and thoroughly. First we decided if we’re ready and can afford to own a home. We usually find a realtor to show us houses fitting our needs, the school district we want, our desired areas, and comps to make sure the price is fair. Once we find a house, we negotiate a price, find out about property taxes, search out the best interest rate, hire inspectors, find a lender, insurance company, etc.
This obviously goes way beyond tire kicking. Yet do we do anything close to this much scrutiny when we choose a partner? I suggest most often we don’t. Although, I certainly am not implying that this is a business deal, I do submit that a committed relationship deserves at least as much time, effort and learning as does buying a house or any other big decision.
Unfortunately, people often neglect to do this. I do understand that the heart wants what the heart wants. I also realize that choosing a partner is a very emotional process. I believe however, that it is important to address practicality and that not enough people take the time to do this. Perhaps, understandably, we don’t want to be talked out of what the heart wants. Sometimes this works out okay, but sometimes it doesn’t. On the other hand, some people do just the practical and neglect the heart part. As I said earlier, this is a complex decision!
A similar pattern often exits when people become sexually involved without finding out if the other person is sexually healthy. Of course that interferes with the flow of going with the moment and the passion. On the other hand, STIs and STDs abound, and the level of denial which must be present to ignore that is alarming. One of the reasons for this, based on my professional experience, is that most people have a really difficult time talking about sex altogether, so they just skip that part. This is risky behavior.
I believe another part of this is our difficulty in taking care of ourselves. We don’t want to appear “selfish” or treat sexual intimacy like a business transaction. First, keep in mind the all-important fact that we have to love ourselves first before entering into a loving partnership with another. That said, I do believe there are ways to have this conversation which speak to concern not only for ourselves, but for our partners as well. And while we’re on the subject, I want to make clear that when I say “sex” I am talking about sexual intimacy —not just intercourse. Sex and intercourse are not synonymous!
Going beyond sexual intimacy to look at how we learn about our partners, many questions come to mind. Do I know myself and what’s important to me? Do I know if my partner shares the same mindset? Do we both agree on having children? Do we share similar views on money and what to do with it? If I am a left-leaning liberal, does it matter if my partner is a staunch Republican? Does religion play a part for either one of us in terms of compatibility and/or childrearing? How do our backgrounds compare? If there is a large disparity can we be comfortable operating in a different world? Are we sexually compatible-have we talked about how to manage different libidos? Are we socially compatible? Do we like each other’s friends? Family? How do we fit in our needs for space? Since no two people will be completely compatible in all areas, can we comfortably tolerate those differences in one another?
This is just a suggestion of some of the issues which might arise to cause difficulties in a relationship and ideas of where priorities have to be established by each and discussed with the other. So often, we hear what we want to hear and move on from there. I believe this is human nature, and that we’re not to be faulted for being human. That said, the more we can learn, discuss, negotiate and plan, the better equipped we are for a positive outcome and a collaborative partnership.
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Many people are shocked to learn that how we choose a partner is in great part unconscious. We very often seek out what’s comfortable and familiar, even if it also creates distress and disharmony. For example, if your mother was emotionally smothering and without boundaries, you might very well unconsciously choose a partner with similar traits, or if you had a father who was emotionally distant, you might choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable. The unconscious goal is to get a better result this time than you were able to achieve with your parents. This seems counterintuitive. Why would I want someone who gives me something I don’t want or fails to give me something I do? It all gets back to the original imprinting and the powerlessness we feel as children to change our parents into becoming what we want and need. So, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
My favorite metaphor to explain this unconscious reconstruction goes like this. We’re walking down the street, and we see an apple tree. We think “Hmm, an apple would taste good right about now.” So we walk up to the tree to look for an apple in its branches. Failing to find one, we think, “Well, maybe the apple fell to the ground.”, and we look around the tree for an apple. Finally, having no luck in finding an apple, we shake the tree in hopes that perhaps there’s an apple in one of the higher branches which we can’t see, but can shake loose. Nothing falls. We finally give up and walk on without an apple. At some future time, we find ourselves on that same road again and encounter that same apple tree. Once more, we go through all the steps trying to find the apple, still, with no luck. The same results occur. We repeat this process as many times as necessary until hopefully, we come to the realization that even though it’s an apple tree, it has no apples. At that point, we cease to try to find the apple from the source which doesn’t provide it.
If you apply this to finding a partner, using the above examples, you’ll begin to see that if you find someone with good boundaries who is able to be loving and nurturing without being smothering and who is independent but available and connected, then you have your apple. You may not find yourself attracted to this initially, but the right mix, over time, has the potential to turn into multiple, consecutive apples—maybe even enough for an apple pie!
Despite the fact that choosing a partner is not simple, the healthier we are, the more likely we are to choose a healthy partner and get a better outcome. The creation of the “translation” of intimacy to, “into-me-see” does a great job clarifying the meaning of that word. It’s literally letting someone see into you and you into them. Although it is a blissful state, it can also scare the dickens out of people at times.
Intimacy may or may not include sexual intimacy. One of the things which makes sexual intimacy in a loving partnership so powerful and wonderful is that, at its best, it is an all-inclusive sense of connection, knowing, and being known physically, emotionally and intellectually. It has the potential to rise to the greatest heights and provide the most profound sense of togetherness possible between two people.
Good Men Project:
She’s Just a Tease: Why Some Women Stop Desiring Sexual Intimacy
Pretty much everyone believes men and women are different. Different yes, but both still human–everyone bleeds when they’re cut, be it physically or emotionally.
My last post on mismatched libidos generated responses about the premise that there is no such thing as libido, but instead “arousal response”. It may matter academically how it’s described, but for our purposes, I think the more important question is what happens when your sexual “get up and go” has “got up and went”, and it doesn’t come back, i.e. no libido/sexual arousal. When avoidance kicks in to such a degree that there’s no chance for an arousal response, it’s no longer wanting less, it’s not wanting any. Much of the time, there’s no affection either, as the avoidant partner doesn’t want it to “lead to something else”.
Now what do you do? This is a common dilemma for couples coming to therapy. And once again, it’s not just women. There are many reasons for this, and I’d have to write a book (which I am, though with a broader look at love and relationships, including this topic) to address them all.
I’m going to focus on women this time around, on one very important, but often overlooked concept which I frequently see: the loss of sexual identity. In our and other cultures, women are socialized in such a way as to give away their sexuality to the male in their lives. I do want to be clear that this is not a blame statement for men, nor for women.
This can begin much earlier than with adult relationships. Back to toxic gender mythology–“She’s a tease.” is something of which no girl or woman ever wants to be accused. This loss of sexual identity does not happen to every female, but it happens too frequently to be ignored. Understanding it, whatever your gender, can be a huge help in changing and moving past it.
Consciously or not, she feels once she has reached a certain level of sexual intimacy, every successive sexual encounter must go at least that far. Now, I’m talking bases, but I’ve never really understood the universal (?) definition of what constitutes 1st, 2nd or 3rd base. I’m pretty sure intercourse would be a home run, but even that is open to question! In other words, if he gets to 2nd base once, he always gets that far, etc. This is the place where a sense of being in charge of her sexuality is at risk of eroding. Contrary to what many males believe, women lose the feeling of having any control regarding sexual intimacy with their partner. This goes hand in hand with loss of her own sexuality.
Once on this path, her sexuality increasingly belongs less and less to herself. Self-pleasuring may also cease. Women often feel that if they’re not being sexual with their partner, it’s certainly not okay for them to be sexual with themselves, lest they feel guilty about it. So they may just shut it down altogether, until it just seems to disappear. Eventually, it’s as if they never had it to begin with.
Once there, further fallout occurs. Feelings may include guilt for depriving her partner (no awareness of her own deprivation), resentment because she feels guilt or obligation, and often resultant anger. This is often accompanied by a belief there’s something wrong with her, frequently shared by her partner.
Here’s how I approach this dilemma in my work; however, if you and your partner can undertake this process on your own, go for it. In this instance, do try this at home! Of course, therapy is always an option should you need it.
First off, I encourage her to take back her sexuality and begin to experience it. This phase is just for her and is entirely self-focused. Of course I hope she will share and enjoy it with her partner later, but that’s after she’s claimed/reclaimed it as belonging to her.
This concept of loss of sexual identity is often foreign to most people. Though it may be unconscious, if a woman has relinquished her own sexuality, sex no longer serves to meet her needs, only his. This disconnect may be labeled as asexuality, but that isn’t the case here. It’s simply the end point of a destructive process. I’ve heard women say they would be just as happy to never have sex again! How sad to relinquish that part of oneself.
People often experience losing part of themselves in relationships. They stop speaking up and sweep things under the rug in service of peace at any price and call it “compromise”. Traditionally, women have had a difficult time asking for what they want and need. This certainly applies in the sexual arena, if asking or if saying “no” is already challenging. Sadly, I still see this with younger women who are able to be assertive in their careers and other aspects of their lives, but not with their partner, and especially not with sex.
Resources include books on women’s sexuality, e.g., Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia R. Heiman, Ph.D. and Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D.; erotica in books, e.g. My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James, and films on websites such as www.comstockfilms.com. In addition to books and films, I often recommend the use of “sex toys” and suggest external use first. Be creative–go with whatever works for you! For additional resources, feel free to visit my website.
Phase one comes with certain mutual agreements. There is no sexual intimacy between the couple during this time. I often hear “We’ve come to a sex therapist who tells us to stop having sex?” Yes, strange, but true-and temporary. She’s claiming the space she needs to focus and stay true to her own sexual needs and desires, to replenish what probably once existed but has disappeared from view. If her partner can understand and support this process, the second phase is much more likely to more quickly occur. It gets more complex, however. Sexual references, innuendos or jokes are included in the “no fly zone.” Women often hear those as subtle pressure, which may not be intended but will likely interfere with progress to the second phase: resumption of sexual intimacy between the partners.
People want to know how long this first phase lasts. My stock response (flip, I admit) is that my crystal ball is still at the shop, so I don’t know. It may take a while; however, if you consider how long it took to get to “that place,” patience and no expectations regarding a time will serve best.
I encourage couples to talk about how things are going, but again with the caveat that there is no pressure. It’s best to let her lead the way in this arena. And yes, guys, she is “in control” of this part, but she has to be for it to work. Think of it as advancing the ball toward the goal of resuming sexual intimacy, and give her the space to get down the field to the goal line. As for the ladies, if you feel pressure, say so. It may not be intended, so be mindful of that fact and don’t accuse, but articulate your feelings and own them as belonging to you, not because you were “made” to feel them.
Last, once things are back in gear– sexually speaking–stop being goal oriented, (i.e., intercourse and orgasm). The goal has already been reached. Now it’s time to begin a mutually wonderful intimate sexual experience, whatever happens or doesn’t. Hopefully, the results will be well worth the wait.